So tomorrow is the first day of my last year in college.

And that is terribly depressing.

I am trying very hard to just breathe. I've tried every meditation exercise from my Nutrition, Exercise and Stress class (best. class. ever. I still, obviously, use the meditation techniques we did every day in that class.) but lately I have been returning to my France mantra.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay. It's okay.

I've been crying over every little thing. Which, you know, would be fine except I had finally gotten over my uber-sensitive crying phase.

Dude. Depressing emo blog man. I shall stop now and go eat something before winding down and going to bed.

I love you dudes.

Work is weird sometimes.

So. At work.

Someone turned in a CE application. Dee was sitting at her desk, going through it and she started getting a headache. She kept asking if a student was up front with me but I kept telling her no, no one's here.

She finally came to me, held out the application and told me to smell it.

Whoever was applying had sprayed their application all pretty. It stank like a magazine.

I was hoping she just spilled her perfume or whatever on the application but Dee thinks she sprayed it. "Like a love letter," she said.

I hope not.

Olympics

Those opening ceremonies? Man. DUDE.

DUDE.

I haven't seen a whole lot of Olympics being only 21 but the opening ceremonies are always my favorite part. And this year? Shit. Dude. They were awesome.

PR - from the hip

Sleezebag has never seen the Olympic Opening Ceremony? Ever?

Leatha is driving me insane.

Keith is getting the bitch cut.

Thank God another twin is gone. Now I can tell everyone apart.

Done

I found out something tonight that, while it may explain the fact that Katie has not spoken to me yet and has been distant for the past year, is kind of something you tell your best friend. While I have not been involved anything to the degree that she has, when I did it/it happened to me I did tell my best friend. Sadly, she wasn't there to be that friend.

So I've resigned myself to the fact that we're not doing this friend thing anymore. I called her earlier today and she called back while I was napping (I tend to think too much when I'm sad/stressed/whatever and this thinking thing earned me two hours of sleep before a long work day). I have not returned her call and I don't think I will. If she happens to call while I'm home, I might pick up. I might not.

I probably won't.

I'm dropping all internet connections with her and we'll see how things go.

The ball's in her court now. I've always been the bigger person. I am not doing that anymore. I have put too much effort into this black hole of a relationship to keep going. I'm not doing that to myself. I've done it my entire life. I know better.

Although I might not have consciously believed it, I stopped calling her my best friend a long time ago. I should have seen the warning signs but I had hope. I mean, I hadn't received a call or postcard or letter or anything from her while she was away but I had a thousand excuses for that.

Oh well.

It's all for the best really.

This should be the last I'll talk about this here. Sorry about this. Sometimes it feels better if I just let it all out and everyone else just wants to fix it, not to listen.

I'm glad you all understand. Thank you for all the support. It's hard to lose a friend you've had for such a long time. Especially since, with all the moving during my childhood, I've never had one for that long. This whole situation is quite new to me. I've had my heart broken many a time but never by a friend.

Blah blah emo etc

Love you all.

So still no "hey I'm back."

I had a rational moment this weekend where I remembered that Saturday was only her first whole day back so it was reasonable to have not heard anything from her. However, I had to hear something from her Sunday at the very least. Or Monday, even.

Nope.

I've gone from being very, very pissed to feeling ill. I feel sick.

It's funny, it's like broken heart/breakup pains. And all she did so far was not call or tell anyone she was back.

And then I was thinking maybe she doesn't have my phone number. That's obviously why she hasn't called. But my cell phone number is the same as it was a year ago. And we've had each other's home phone numbers memorized since tenth grade.

She must just be busy.

I just called my house to make sure she hadn't called home and someone just forgot to tell me. No. No call.

This is driving me crazy. It is like a bad breakup.

Did I just lose my best friend? Or was she already gone?

I'm just overreacting.

Right?

On a slightly more serious note.

So.

I'm kind of very upset right now. I'm going to try to talk myself through this but I really wish you guys were here. I need you like whoa.

My best friend from high school, Katie (not to be confused with Nick's sister, Katti), went to study in Germany for a year last June. I got back from France at the beginning of June and she left at the end of June. Needless to say, we didn't hang out that much in between.

Before I even left for France, our relationship was strained. She went to Western but I always found time to visit her during Fall and Spring Break.

She started dating some guy before she left for Germany. It was a big deal for her because she didn't really do the dating thing. It just made our beginning to be weird relationship even stranger.

Don't get me wrong, the second day I got back from France, she was the first person I visited. The day before I left, she was the last person I saw.

Like I said, she left for Germany at the end of June. She came back to visit for a few days in October. She flew straight into Kalamazoo, spent time with her boyfriend, saw her family a little, and flew back.

She did this all as a surprise to her parents and her boyfriend of six months. Without telling anyone she was visiting (or coming to visit) and only letting everyone else (who wasn't her Mom, Dad, brother or boyfriend (i.e.: her friends)) know that she'd been in the country once she was back in Germany.

I was a little pissed then.

While in Germany, she constantly complained about not receiving mails or phone calls from anyone back home. Which I understood because I only received three letters in France. One of which was from school. But the thing is, she actually got letters. A lot of them. As in, more than ten.

Which I guess just made me jealous, not really mad.

Here's the thing that really pissed me off. Here's the reason I want to scream and cry and yell and punch someone in the face:

She's home.

She's done with her program, she came home on Friday and she didn't let any of her friends know.

She didn't let me know. She hasn't told me. She hasn't called me.

She didn't update her journal saying she was almost done with her program and leaving next week or next month or whatever.

She was just magically home.

Oh and how did I find out if she hasn't told anyone? I found out because I checked her flickr photos and she had pictures of the airport. And her boyfriend.

I told people when I was coming home. I told them the flight number and time and I called people and told them far ahead of time and...

So.

I don't know what our friend status is but I just don't care anymore.

No. I do care. I care a lot.

But I don't want to.

I really wish you guys were here. I really need you right now.