Nick's coworker also passed away Sunday night. He was 35, divorced, had two daughters and had a massive heart attack in his sleep.

See why I hate April?

omgwtf

One of my friends (as Nick enjoys pointing out frequently, my internet friends (that I have never met in my life but talk to all the time (and sometimes I think of/see things that they would totally love (and then tell them about it later and of course they love it/already know about it)))) lives in NYC. She's finishing up grad school in forensics right now, at the same time I'm finishing up college. We are bonding over last minute exams and papers.

She works for the NYPD. She was working in forensics but is now working in narcotics. She's very good friends with her coworkers as many of them are/were classmates.

One of these coworkers was found stabbed to death this morning.

And even though I don't really know her, even though we've never met, I still feel just as upset and sickened as I would if we were close friends. But unlike my other friends, I can't hop in the car and go see her. Or call her and meet up somewhere. I can't be there for her. I can't hug her and tell her everything will be okay. So I am just reassuring her everywhere I can. Facebook, her journal, everywhere.

Ugh ugh ugh. I was just thinking about how awesome my life has been so far, how little of a dent 22 years is, and looking forward to the rest of awesomeness. I only hope that her life was just as good. And that her friends and coworkers can just keep breathing, just keep moving.

I may be in a mood...

Dear Life (formerly of The Cereal, now Comma My),

Thank you for the awesome birthday week. It was great to have dinner with my parents at a delicious Indian restaurant and I'm glad you let me drag Nick along while he suffered through the terminal stages of Extended Man Cold™.

I am blessed to have awesome friends that wished me a happy birthday all week long. Although work has become super lame since you decided my favorite kid needed to get fired and you brought my arch-nemesis back from Spain, it was great to have to work on my birthday and celebrate with the people I have been stuck with for the past four years. You made me look forward to graduation and leaving this town so much more!

I've got to say though, the coolest part of this birthday week has to be all the plans you decided weren't awesome enough to actually work! Instead of going ice skating with my boyfriend, you gave him a cold and death cough for a week and a half more -- just long enough for him to be whiny, unbearable and asleep by eight o'clock every night of my birthday week. It was also really nice of you to give my roommate a great car, tempt us with a Sonic located closer to us and then decide that her car needed a new alternator the day before the planned trip, trapping us at my school for an hour and a half longer than we really wanted to be there. That was great.

I have one thing to thank you for though. For my birthday weekend, I will pay rent, pay all overdue bills (most likely on my own) and get a haircut then be unable to eat or do anything for the rest of the week. Thank you so much! This is even better than the time you tempted me with seeing the friends I hadn't seen since August and then decided that all six backup plans wouldn't work. And I thought that was awesome. Oh man, I didn't even know you were going to get me a birthday present!

I guess I wanted to just say thanks. Now I know that I really should never plan anything ever again.

However, if you want to come to my graduation, I was just planning on becoming poor and homeless afterward. I don't need a new car, we only need one door to be able to open really and who doesn't love scraping off the outside and inside of the car? I also was just planning on staying in Michigan and never getting a job with my bachelor's degree. Maybe I should plan on drowning in all my debt? Alone? Because I'm planning on never being engaged or married and I never truly wanted kids.

If you want to ruin those plans, go ahead.

Love,
Rachel

P.S. No, I did not get to make that birthday cake, Toi. Because I planned on it and I wanted to.

I was going to write this great story about how, while watching The Way We Were, Nick had a great observation about handsome movie stars (past and present) looking alike but apparently this isn't a new conclusion.

Here it is anyway:

Robert Redford and Brad Pitt look exactly the same. Especially when RR smiles.

The end.

P.S. Toi noted that the level I was stuck on was the last level of the best timesuck ever so I decided to savor it until I can convince myself that there will be awesome games after this one. Sigh.

P.P.S. Even though I am a big fan of peace etc, I cannot resist a man in uniform.

Amusement

Okay, kids. Do me a favor and go play this game. And turn your sound on because it is gorgeous.

Why must you play this game? Because it's a lot of fun and really pretty.

Also, I'm stuck on a level and I need your help.




UPDATE!: I am stuck on 3.6. I was stuck on 3.4 for an hour but I wiped it from my memory so I don't remember how I did it. I wish I could go back and figure it out.

The Wedding: a schedule

For those of you who are visiting this weekend, and wish to see me all done up, the wedding schedule follows.

Friday: I have class and work until 3. Everyone else is cleaning and decorating the church and reception hall. Dinner is at 5. I have not determined what I am wearing yet. It all depends upon the weather and if I want to shave my legs.

Saturday: Katti, Jess, Hazen Mom and I are getting our hair done at 8 or 9 and our makeup done at 10. (at this point, one car will be taken up to Rockford since someone had the genius idea of having the wedding in Ada and the reception in Rockford.) At noon, we go to the church where we get ready and have prep photos taken. Jess and Ryan will have their photos taken at one, we all hang around until two or so then group photos start. These photo sessions are supposed to last until the wedding at 5. After the wedding, we help move decorations and carpool up to Rockford for the reception. Then we socialize until it is the appropriate time to bail.

It's a pretty crazy day. If you want to see me all dolled up, I don't know when or where you want to be. Maybe I'll just call you when we're finally home. Let me know.

Done

I found out something tonight that, while it may explain the fact that Katie has not spoken to me yet and has been distant for the past year, is kind of something you tell your best friend. While I have not been involved anything to the degree that she has, when I did it/it happened to me I did tell my best friend. Sadly, she wasn't there to be that friend.

So I've resigned myself to the fact that we're not doing this friend thing anymore. I called her earlier today and she called back while I was napping (I tend to think too much when I'm sad/stressed/whatever and this thinking thing earned me two hours of sleep before a long work day). I have not returned her call and I don't think I will. If she happens to call while I'm home, I might pick up. I might not.

I probably won't.

I'm dropping all internet connections with her and we'll see how things go.

The ball's in her court now. I've always been the bigger person. I am not doing that anymore. I have put too much effort into this black hole of a relationship to keep going. I'm not doing that to myself. I've done it my entire life. I know better.

Although I might not have consciously believed it, I stopped calling her my best friend a long time ago. I should have seen the warning signs but I had hope. I mean, I hadn't received a call or postcard or letter or anything from her while she was away but I had a thousand excuses for that.

Oh well.

It's all for the best really.

This should be the last I'll talk about this here. Sorry about this. Sometimes it feels better if I just let it all out and everyone else just wants to fix it, not to listen.

I'm glad you all understand. Thank you for all the support. It's hard to lose a friend you've had for such a long time. Especially since, with all the moving during my childhood, I've never had one for that long. This whole situation is quite new to me. I've had my heart broken many a time but never by a friend.

Blah blah emo etc

Love you all.

So still no "hey I'm back."

I had a rational moment this weekend where I remembered that Saturday was only her first whole day back so it was reasonable to have not heard anything from her. However, I had to hear something from her Sunday at the very least. Or Monday, even.

Nope.

I've gone from being very, very pissed to feeling ill. I feel sick.

It's funny, it's like broken heart/breakup pains. And all she did so far was not call or tell anyone she was back.

And then I was thinking maybe she doesn't have my phone number. That's obviously why she hasn't called. But my cell phone number is the same as it was a year ago. And we've had each other's home phone numbers memorized since tenth grade.

She must just be busy.

I just called my house to make sure she hadn't called home and someone just forgot to tell me. No. No call.

This is driving me crazy. It is like a bad breakup.

Did I just lose my best friend? Or was she already gone?

I'm just overreacting.

Right?

On a slightly more serious note.

So.

I'm kind of very upset right now. I'm going to try to talk myself through this but I really wish you guys were here. I need you like whoa.

My best friend from high school, Katie (not to be confused with Nick's sister, Katti), went to study in Germany for a year last June. I got back from France at the beginning of June and she left at the end of June. Needless to say, we didn't hang out that much in between.

Before I even left for France, our relationship was strained. She went to Western but I always found time to visit her during Fall and Spring Break.

She started dating some guy before she left for Germany. It was a big deal for her because she didn't really do the dating thing. It just made our beginning to be weird relationship even stranger.

Don't get me wrong, the second day I got back from France, she was the first person I visited. The day before I left, she was the last person I saw.

Like I said, she left for Germany at the end of June. She came back to visit for a few days in October. She flew straight into Kalamazoo, spent time with her boyfriend, saw her family a little, and flew back.

She did this all as a surprise to her parents and her boyfriend of six months. Without telling anyone she was visiting (or coming to visit) and only letting everyone else (who wasn't her Mom, Dad, brother or boyfriend (i.e.: her friends)) know that she'd been in the country once she was back in Germany.

I was a little pissed then.

While in Germany, she constantly complained about not receiving mails or phone calls from anyone back home. Which I understood because I only received three letters in France. One of which was from school. But the thing is, she actually got letters. A lot of them. As in, more than ten.

Which I guess just made me jealous, not really mad.

Here's the thing that really pissed me off. Here's the reason I want to scream and cry and yell and punch someone in the face:

She's home.

She's done with her program, she came home on Friday and she didn't let any of her friends know.

She didn't let me know. She hasn't told me. She hasn't called me.

She didn't update her journal saying she was almost done with her program and leaving next week or next month or whatever.

She was just magically home.

Oh and how did I find out if she hasn't told anyone? I found out because I checked her flickr photos and she had pictures of the airport. And her boyfriend.

I told people when I was coming home. I told them the flight number and time and I called people and told them far ahead of time and...

So.

I don't know what our friend status is but I just don't care anymore.

No. I do care. I care a lot.

But I don't want to.

I really wish you guys were here. I really need you right now.