Done

I found out something tonight that, while it may explain the fact that Katie has not spoken to me yet and has been distant for the past year, is kind of something you tell your best friend. While I have not been involved anything to the degree that she has, when I did it/it happened to me I did tell my best friend. Sadly, she wasn't there to be that friend.

So I've resigned myself to the fact that we're not doing this friend thing anymore. I called her earlier today and she called back while I was napping (I tend to think too much when I'm sad/stressed/whatever and this thinking thing earned me two hours of sleep before a long work day). I have not returned her call and I don't think I will. If she happens to call while I'm home, I might pick up. I might not.

I probably won't.

I'm dropping all internet connections with her and we'll see how things go.

The ball's in her court now. I've always been the bigger person. I am not doing that anymore. I have put too much effort into this black hole of a relationship to keep going. I'm not doing that to myself. I've done it my entire life. I know better.

Although I might not have consciously believed it, I stopped calling her my best friend a long time ago. I should have seen the warning signs but I had hope. I mean, I hadn't received a call or postcard or letter or anything from her while she was away but I had a thousand excuses for that.

Oh well.

It's all for the best really.

This should be the last I'll talk about this here. Sorry about this. Sometimes it feels better if I just let it all out and everyone else just wants to fix it, not to listen.

I'm glad you all understand. Thank you for all the support. It's hard to lose a friend you've had for such a long time. Especially since, with all the moving during my childhood, I've never had one for that long. This whole situation is quite new to me. I've had my heart broken many a time but never by a friend.

Blah blah emo etc

Love you all.

So still no "hey I'm back."

I had a rational moment this weekend where I remembered that Saturday was only her first whole day back so it was reasonable to have not heard anything from her. However, I had to hear something from her Sunday at the very least. Or Monday, even.

Nope.

I've gone from being very, very pissed to feeling ill. I feel sick.

It's funny, it's like broken heart/breakup pains. And all she did so far was not call or tell anyone she was back.

And then I was thinking maybe she doesn't have my phone number. That's obviously why she hasn't called. But my cell phone number is the same as it was a year ago. And we've had each other's home phone numbers memorized since tenth grade.

She must just be busy.

I just called my house to make sure she hadn't called home and someone just forgot to tell me. No. No call.

This is driving me crazy. It is like a bad breakup.

Did I just lose my best friend? Or was she already gone?

I'm just overreacting.

Right?

On a slightly more serious note.

So.

I'm kind of very upset right now. I'm going to try to talk myself through this but I really wish you guys were here. I need you like whoa.

My best friend from high school, Katie (not to be confused with Nick's sister, Katti), went to study in Germany for a year last June. I got back from France at the beginning of June and she left at the end of June. Needless to say, we didn't hang out that much in between.

Before I even left for France, our relationship was strained. She went to Western but I always found time to visit her during Fall and Spring Break.

She started dating some guy before she left for Germany. It was a big deal for her because she didn't really do the dating thing. It just made our beginning to be weird relationship even stranger.

Don't get me wrong, the second day I got back from France, she was the first person I visited. The day before I left, she was the last person I saw.

Like I said, she left for Germany at the end of June. She came back to visit for a few days in October. She flew straight into Kalamazoo, spent time with her boyfriend, saw her family a little, and flew back.

She did this all as a surprise to her parents and her boyfriend of six months. Without telling anyone she was visiting (or coming to visit) and only letting everyone else (who wasn't her Mom, Dad, brother or boyfriend (i.e.: her friends)) know that she'd been in the country once she was back in Germany.

I was a little pissed then.

While in Germany, she constantly complained about not receiving mails or phone calls from anyone back home. Which I understood because I only received three letters in France. One of which was from school. But the thing is, she actually got letters. A lot of them. As in, more than ten.

Which I guess just made me jealous, not really mad.

Here's the thing that really pissed me off. Here's the reason I want to scream and cry and yell and punch someone in the face:

She's home.

She's done with her program, she came home on Friday and she didn't let any of her friends know.

She didn't let me know. She hasn't told me. She hasn't called me.

She didn't update her journal saying she was almost done with her program and leaving next week or next month or whatever.

She was just magically home.

Oh and how did I find out if she hasn't told anyone? I found out because I checked her flickr photos and she had pictures of the airport. And her boyfriend.

I told people when I was coming home. I told them the flight number and time and I called people and told them far ahead of time and...

So.

I don't know what our friend status is but I just don't care anymore.

No. I do care. I care a lot.

But I don't want to.

I really wish you guys were here. I really need you right now.

Recap of Rachel's life

Since you all abandoned me to your happy little homes, here's what has happened:

Nick and I decided to move in with Katti/Oliver (in their GIANT house) because it would be way cheaper. I didn't really want to but $250ish compared to the $805 that we're paying where we are sounded great. (House residents: Katti, Oliver, Ben, Ben's new gf, Elliott, Dickhead, Mumbling Man, Jeremy)

The only problem was, they didn't have a room for us.

So they decided to kick out one of the two roommates who were not paying rent on time.

Once that was decided, one of Katti/Oliver's roommates, Dickhead, made a pass at me. I didn't care but Nick refused to move in with Katti/Oliver after that. He later recanted but it didn't matter because....

Two days later, while she was trying to tell him he was a douchebag (but in a nice way) Dickhead made a pass at Ben's new girlfriend, WannabeWinehouse.

WW told Ben they couldn't live in the house anymore.

Katti/Oliver were just going to try to find new roommates when they found out that Dickhead knew he screwed up and hit on WW just to screw everyone over.

Ben kicked Dickhead out.

Mumbling Man left. Without paying rent. Without telling everyone.

So Katti/Oliver decided to forget about living in the awesome house and I suggested we find a place together since our lease was up at the same time (August 1st).

We were leisurely looking at places and everything was going smoothly until Nick and I found out our lease was actually up June 30. Not August 1st.

Nick, Katti, Oliver and I went into frantic apartment hunting mode. Every place we looked at was too small for Katti.

Finally Nick and I decided to just pay fifty dollars more to stay at our apartment for another month.

After looking at a few more places (each too small for all the things Katti/Oliver had gathered during their six and a half years together) someone had the brilliant idea of looking at a three bedroom apartment in the apartment complex we are in now.

We checked it out, it passed and we decided to take it.

We sign the lease on Friday. And Nick and I are going to move all our stuff in on that same day.

We can manage this because the three bedroom apartment is across the sidewalk from our current apartment. So it's down the stairs, out the door, across a sidewalk and ta da!

I am just so excited that this whole thing is over. Finally.