Why I want to have children

Did not get new position at NewJob. My supervisor was so nice about it and sent me encouraging emails.

Nick and I talked about realistic goals. He said I should start a blog. A real one. Which is something I've been thinking about doing for a while, I just thought it was silly.

So as soon as I think of a neat name and something to write about, I will be a blogger.

I've been in a super bad funk for about a week and a half. I thought it would go away once my period did but nope.

I'm just so tired of where I'm at. I applied for another position at work before Christmas and I still haven't heard back on it.

I'm so upset that I don't have the life I want to have. I'm irrationally angry about other people being engaged when I'm not. And I'm upset that I might not be married this year. For some reason.

There's really no reason for me to be this upset or depressed. I just am. I hope this goes away in a little bit because I'm seriously considering just going crazy and fixing it the easy way... by getting rid of NewJob. But in a state with an employment rate of almost 15%, I know it's a terrible, terrible idea. We've been pretty poor lately as it is.

I'll keep you posted.

For serious

Nick and I were talking about getting married this weekend and he mentioned that it probably won't happen this year.

For some reason I got really upset. If I don't get married this summer, I know I'm going to be disappointed. I'm already upset about it.

I decided I'm going to start planning. I'll get the costs all together and lay it out for him.

Did I tell you we looked at rings the other day? I fell in love with one but it was $2800. So then I was depressed for about a month.

This is happening. Weekend project.

P.S. Birthday month.

Cross-post...because I cannot write two separate posts

I just watched Return to Me and then played some Assassin's Creed. I now have the world's strongest yearning to go back to Italy. Seriously.

I think Italian will be my next language to learn. After I finish my current goals, of course.


Oh, here are my New Year's whatevers:
(Check out that underline, this is official, kids.)

Read the Bible (that I've had since third grade) and blah-g about it.

Read the Qur'an (that I received from the wonderful CAIR) and blah-g about it.

Find a church that I like (and actually go and check it out) at least once a month (current prospects: Fountain Street Church and Grand Rapids Friends).

Get married (ha ha).

Nick bought some wine to cook with because he has to make food for work tomorrow.

And of course I was all HEY WE SHOULD DRINK SOME since he already opened it.

It is cheap wine. It was eleven dollars. I like it/do not mind it. And the name is cute.

Nick does not like it.

So I am drinking it all. IT IS ALL MINE BWA HA HA.

Anyway it is this. I don't like wine and I think it is okay.

Drrrunk

Recent thoughts - duplicated for your enjoyment

I like the idea of Montreal (much like one enjoys the idea having a baby but not the pushing it out of your own vagina part or the human being inside me thing or much like one may love the idea of organizing a bookshelf by color but not actually having said bookshelf (I cannot find any book I am searching for. Surprise, surprise, I do not remember my books by color.)) but that whole French thing always turns me off. Gravy and cheese curds on French fries? I am there. Calling it poutine? Sorry, I'll pass. Maybe next time. With bacon. And a not French name. Losers.

I think I might have mentioned it before but this I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant show is insane. How the fuck do you not know you are pregnant? "Oh I had missed my period two months in a row but I just thought it was stress." "I had a craving for tacos but I just like tacos, you know?" "I thought I had to poop and then a baby was in the toilet." What the fuck, kids? And they never have any prenatal care but the baby is always fine. While people who take care of themselves have sick babies. Also, what sexually-active woman is not hyper-aware of every single thing that is going on with her body period-wise?

I am having more and more dreams that involve someone sending me back to France for some reason. And I'm not allowed to leave for some other strange reason. Like I lose my passport or I lose a piece of luggage and cannot leave until it is found. I suppose that is what I get for speaking French all day.

Speaking of...speaking French, I think I speak more French in my average work day than I ever did during my 8 years of studying it in school. Probably even more than I did in an average day in France. I really hate myself for not speaking more French while I was there but whatever. I went to Budapest, bitches. French didn't matter. Now I talk about having votre numero de reservation and combien des chambres voudriez-vous and sorry, you need a carte de credit and who doesn't have an adresse email these days? My dreams are just filled with more French.

My sister is studying in Innsbruck, Austria next year. For the whole year. My mom didn't want her to go for the entire year because she didn't want to pay for Notre Dame with my sister not even being in the country but somehow they got over that. Also, next year is the motherfucking bicentennial of Oktoberfest so my friend and I were already planning on going to Munich. She lived in Germany for a long time and knows people we can stay with for free. We would only have to pay for airfare and food/drink money. My sister and I are planning a European tour since we can handle most countries with my French and her German.

I need to learn to play an instrument. I am thinking something terribly hipster like a ukulele or organ. I've always wanted a hurdy gurdy.

I have no clue what to get anyone for Christmas. Personne, kids. Not even Nick. It is terrible. I know what Nick wants but I can't buy him a 400 dollar laptop/netbook or whatever. And I can think of things I would like for him but nothing he would actually like. You know how guys are. I can think of about twenty things I think he would like but he would just say "oh, thanks." And not really enjoy them because it's nothing he wants. You know? And of course if you ask him what he wants, he never knows.

Nick does many things to annoy the heck out of me because he thinks I'm cute when I'm mad. One of these is not putting the new toilet paper roll on the holder. He knows it drives me insane, so he doesn't do it. Every single time he does(n't do) it, I fake yell at him for it. It's what we do. It's our joke. Anyway, the other day, I was joking with him about it and he said he'll always do it. It's his thing, and it won't ever stop. And I said, "Just like it's never lupus." So today when I went to shout at him about it, he said, "It's never lupus."

I am torn about Monk ending this week. It jumped the shark years ago but it has always been one of my favorite shows. I almost have Nick hooked on it but I think it will be like West Wing, I will talk about it for years and he won't watch it until it's OFN and then he'll fall in love with it and talk about it like it's something new.

I read about the newest game from Team Ico and it looks like it's going to be only for the PS3. This may be the game that forces my hand into buying a stupid PS3. Damn you, Team Ico. DAMN YOU.

Nick's parents got us an electric fireplace for Christmas (and already gave it to us, obviously) and it is awesome. The smart cat has only slept on it once so far but their favorite thing seems to being going behind it for some reason. Silly cats. We totally tripped a breaker with it already too. Which was bound to happen since it's on the same plug with the xbox and the router and the modem and the TV and the cable box and the surround sound and the Wii.

I've typed for about an hour now so I think that more than makes up for my silence. I'm out, kids.

I love you all &c.